Jane’s Be Well Tips
Staying healthy and well in body and spirit

Whether it’s time to negotiate for a mortgage, a car or even insurance, preparation is the key to victory. When you know what you want and how you intend to get it, you’re much more likely to come out of the appointment smiling.

Let’s go through the different phases of a deal and prep for each one. Skipping one of these will most likely hurt your chances so don’t slack off on any of them.

Before the appointment…

• Know what you want. Sit down and work out exactly:
  • What you need and what want. Secure the needs first and negotiate with the wants (aka the extra stuff you can do without)
  • How much you can afford
  • How far you’re prepared to compromise on both (afford vs. spend)

If you’re looking at a long-term deal, look beyond the immediate price and make sure you can afford the payments without stretching your budget to its breaking-point.

• Find out what’s available. Do some research to find out how realistic your goals are versus what the market is offering. You probably weren’t expecting to find a mortgage rate at 1% or a luxury car for 50 pounds / dollars a month, but you should never assume that the price you are willing to pay is the floor for the market. You could still be surprised by the deals offered if you look hard enough.
• Re-evaluate your goals: If you had seriously underestimated the price, you may need to re-think. Ask yourself:
  • Do you want a cheaper car (house, TV, holiday, etc.)?
  • Can you afford to pay more? Where does this item fall on the need/want spectrum?
  • Should you wait until prices come down / you’ve saved up?

If you’d overestimated the price, you’re free to raise your expectations, lower your budget or (ideally) both.

• ‘Arm’ yourself. Knowledge is power, so make sure you understand:
  • Which professional bodies oversee the industry
  • The technical / legal terms involved
  • What costs the seller really amassed in order to offer you this product

  Find out if the product / industry has been in the news recently. This might tell you who to avoid, or if the industry’s about to go through some changes which could cost you time, money, emotional stress down the road.

• Ask around to see if anyone you know has done something similar recently. If not, see what case studies / testimonials you can find. Mouse Print, Consumerist, and other sites report on shady dealings out there so once again, do your homework!
• Select your supplier. Shop around. The bigger the deal you’re looking at, the more time you should invest: with a mortgage, for example, a tiny difference in the interest rate can save you thousands.It’s often a good idea to start with a company you’re currently doing business with. If you’re looking to refinance your mortgage, for example, talk to your current mortgage provider – if they don’t want to lose your business, they may offer you a good deal.
• Understand how the company works. Do they offer their own product(s) or are they simply reselling something? Do they work with a range of partners, or will they check the entire market for you? How do they decide which partner gets YOUR business? That is an absolute key question. If your business goes to the highest bidder, I’d steer clear.
• Arrange your appointment. This should give you some insight into how they do business. If they’re unprofessional, unhelpful, or hard to get hold of, maybe you should choose a different company. Remember, a company works it’s hardest when they’re trying to win you as a customer. If they are terrible at that, imagine how terrible the service will be once they get your money.

In the appointment…

• Remember who’s the customer. As a (potential) paying customer, you are entitled to the person’s time and expertise. Tell them what you want and let them explain your options. Have a calculator and notepad ready, and take the time to do whatever calculations you find necessary.
• Show what you know. Depending on the type of company you’re dealing with (and the amount of leeway the person has), showing that you ‘know your stuff’ could put you at a psychological advantage. So tell them what other deals you have been offered / seen advertised. Show them you understand the technical terms, and the pros and cons of the most common options.
• Admit what you don’t know. If you need something explained, ask.
• Don’t let them ‘blind you with science’. Any specialist can use technical terms to gloss over drawbacks – or to sell ‘benefits’ you don’t really want or need. Make them repeat themselves in layman’s terms, then take a good look at what they’ve just said.
• Give and take. Don’t be too inflexible.
  • Compromise – if you’re being offered a good deal, don’t turn it down because there’s one tiny thing missing.
  • Consider new ideas – just make sure you understand the pros and cons, and find out if you can ‘mix and match’ elements of various options.
• Don’t be rushed into anything. If you’re happy with the deal, get them to draw up the paperwork and tell them you’ll be back in a day or two.
  • At the very least, you should read the small print – and ‘sleep on it’.
  • If it’s complex / full of legal terms, you might consider taking it to an independent specialist.
  • Don’t feel pressured. You can always walk away from the deal. If you’re not impressed with their ‘final offer’, thank them for their time and say you need to look elsewhere. (If they offer you a better deal at this point, so much the better

After the appointment…

• The end? If you’ve found a product you’re happy with, great. If not, think about the appointment you’ve just had, make some notes and use the experience to prepare for an appointment with another company. If you have enough of these haggling sessions, you just may elicit a bidding war for your business.

So what do you think? Is this something you can do when it comes time to negotiate or are you going to take the first offer thrown your way?

Written by M. Taylor of Gregory Pennington, a UK based Debt Management Specialist.

Continue reading “15 Steps To Successful Negotiations” »

photo credit: machinecodeblue

Friday evening rush hour in Los Angeles is a bad scene. How is it in your area? Friday evening rush hour before a three-day weekend is the worst–stalls, stops, and frustration. We have a choice: rage or relax

On a recent Friday I was on the north side of Los Angeles and needed to get to the South Bay area. I waited until 7 p.m. to begin the journey, thinking the bulk of the traffic would have moved out by then. Most of the drive went smoothly, the 405 (Californians call their freeways, like Interstate 405, “the___) the 405 became a parking lot as it neared the Getty Center which looks down on the highway from a cliff high above. Cars stood shoulder to shoulder on the six-lane highway, crawling forward below a snail’s pace.

Luckily, I remembered an audiotape I’d pulled out of the trunk of the car earlier and popped it into the player. Instant change! Marches played by the London Philharmonic conjured up visions of pomp and ceremony. I turned the volume up. Suddenly my white Mercury Topaz became a gilded coach and the trumpets were clearing the way. From insignificance to importance in a single solid stanza.

It was amazing how the small opening in front of me became majestic–like it opened up just for me– with a black Jaguar on one side, a champagne-colored Mercedes on the other, a white pickup truck behind it, and so it went. Sure, we continued to inch along, but I relaxed as the music transformed my mood from extreme frustration to exuberance. The only things under my control in that sea of cars were my own thoughts and emotions.

What do you do to lift your spirits to a natural high? Do you have a ritual which brings you to a peaceful state of mind? How can you change your attitude in an instant from negative to positive? Perhaps meditating on a favorite quiet place or reflecting on a happy time would help. One of my favorites is a photograph of a field of Blue Bonnet flowers on a river bank. That picture provided an escape from extremely stressful times at my desk in the Pentagon. I could lose myself in it for a moment and gather strength to get back to work.

If we see ourselves as “done onto,” it’s easy to see ourselves as victims of circumstances. Highway gridlock in many large cities is becoming a way of life. Forget rage. Choose to be happy and take charge of our own attitude!

Continue reading “Road Rage Or Road Relax?” »

photo credit: Annie in Beziers

In the 34 years that I have been doing psychic counseling, it is only in the past 10 years that I have been involved with couples counseling. One thing I have noticed with many couples, whether those couples are a man and a woman, two women, or two men, is that there is often a lack of real and meaningful communication. This lack of communication causes small conflicts to become heated arguments where issues are not resolved because both partners are trying to make their points and are not even listening to what the other person has to say. Nothing can ever be resolved when one person raises his or her voice with what only appears to the other person to be demands. The effect of this is that the other person feels as if they are being scolded like a parent scolds a child and this causes the person to close up in a defensive posturing attitude where they don’t listen to what the other person is saying. This intensifies the problem because when the person who is relating the problem area in their life feels that they are being shut out, or ignored, by their partner there is no meaningful dialog which allows a resolution to be achieved. The only resolution to the problem is for one or both partners to bring the subject up again, which might only create the same result. Instead of being resolved this issue now smolders like a hot ember, and this can make for an emotional forest fire!

The way I try to resolve issues like this is to teach couples how to discuss issues instead of just yelling and having the entire situation turning into World War III. There are several steps couples can take to have a good, open, and loving discussion, and to reduce the friction in their relationship by learning to resolve the very important issues that cause them to misunderstand each others feelings.

One of the most effective steps I teach couples is to express their anger, fears, aggravations, and concerns to their partner. This allows them the freedom of opening up without the fear of confrontation. It is a very simple method, but has certain rules which must be followed.

One of the ways I teach couples to do this is to encourage them to write a journal to document the issues in their relationship which they feel are causing problems. Detail is very important here. They must also devote an hour of uninterrupted time each week for open discussion. This discussion has to occur on the same day, and at the same time, and becomes a weekly ritual for the couple. During this hour, each of the partners has 30 minutes to read from their journal. While each partner reads their journal, the other partner cannot interrupt, or make any comments. After this hour, I encourage each partner to spend some time alone, and to reflect upon what they have just heard. They must also remember not to have any discussion about what has just been said. However, they can add some of this new information into their journals for the following week’s discussion. This method is not a quick fix for a troubled relationship, but most couples are amazed that after several months they are now working together to resolve the problems in their relationship.

One of the most complex interactions we face in life is the relationship with our partners. There is often some initial spark which brings two people together, but for a relationship to thrive it requires communication, cooperation, and compromise. This is only one of the many techniques which can be used to help couple resolve issues, but by teaching couples how to effectively communicate, it helps to strengthen the foundations of their relationship.

George Ministeri is an internationally acclaimed psychic, and intuitive counselor with over 30 years experience. Visit his website at http://www.GeorgeMinisteri.com to discover more about who George Ministeri is and how his psychic readings have benefited his clients.

Continue reading “Arguments Loose Relationships” »

photo credit: sean dreilinger

Besides the fact that they were built to do so, there are a great many reasons why infants need to move. The truth is, even though their movement capabilities are extremely limited when compared with even those of a toddler, movement experiences may be more important for infants than for children of any other age group. And it’s not all about motor development either.

Thanks to new insights in brain research, we now know that early movement experiences are considered essential to the neural stimulation (the “use-it-or-lose-it” principle involved in the keeping or pruning of brain cells ) needed for healthy brain development.

Not long ago, neuroscientists believed that the structure of a human brain was genetically determined at birth. They now realize that although the main “circuits” are “prewired” (for such functions as breathing and the heartbeat), the experiences that fill each child’s days are what actually determine the brain’s ultimate design and the nature and extent of that child’s adult capabilities.

An infant’s brain, it turns out, is chock-full of brain cells (neurons) at birth. (In fact, a one-pound fetus already has 100 billion of them!) Over time, each of these brain cells can form as many as 15,000 connections (synapses) with other brain cells. And it is during the first three years of life that most of these connections are made. Synapses not used often enough are eliminated. On the other hand, those synapses that have been activated by repeated early experiences tend to become permanent. And it appears that physical activity and play during early childhood have a vital role in the sensory and physiological stimulation that results in more synapses.

Neurophysiologist Carla Hannaford, in her excellent book, Smart Moves: Why Learning Is Not All in Your Head, states: “Physical movement, from earliest infancy and throughout our lives, plays an important role in the creation of nerve cell networks which are actually the essence of learning.”

She then goes on to relate how movement, because it activates the neural wiring throughout the body, makes the entire body — not just the brain — the instrument of learning.

Gross and fine motor skills are learned through repetition as well — both by virtue of being practiced and because repetition lays down patterns in the brain. Although it hasn’t been clearly determined that such early movements as kicking, waving the arms, and rocking on hands and knees are “practice” for later, more advanced motor skills, it’s believed that they are indeed part of a process of neurological maturation needed for the control of motor skills. In other words, these spontaneous actions prepare the child – physically and neurologically – to later perform more complex, voluntary actions.

Then, once the child is performing voluntary actions (for example, rolling over, creeping, and walking), the circle completes itself, as these skills provide both glucose (the brain’s primary source of energy) and blood flow (“food”) to the brain, in all likelihood increasing neuronal connections.

According to Rebecca Anne Bailey and Elsie Carter Burton, authors of The Dynamic Self: Activities to Enhance Infant Development, whenever babies move any part of their bodies, there exists the potential for two different kinds of learning to occur: learning to move and moving to learn.

Still, recent evidence indicates that infants are spending upward of 60 waking hours a week in things – high chairs, carriers, car seats, and the like!

The reasons for this trend are varied. Part of the problem is that more and more infants are being placed in childcare centers, where there may not be enough space to let babies roam the floor. Or, given the number of infants enrolled, there may be little opportunity for caregivers to spend one-on-one time with each baby. This means, in the morning, an infant is typically fed, dressed, and then carried to the automobile, where she’s placed in a car seat. She’s then carried into the childcare center, where she may spend much of her time in a crib or playpen. At the end of the day, she’s picked up, placed again into the car seat, and carried back into the house, where she’s fed, bathed, and put to bed.

Even when parents are home with baby, they seem to be busier than ever these days. Who has time to get on the floor and creep around with a child? Besides, with today’s emphasis on being productive, playing with a baby would seem almost a guilty pleasure! And if the baby seems happy and safe in a seat placed conveniently in front of the TV, in a bouncer hung in a doorway, or cruising about in a walker, then what’s the harm? It’s a win/win situation, isn’t it?

In fact, it isn’t. Being confined (as one colleague says: “containerized”) affects a baby’s personality; they need to be held. It may also have serious consequences for the child’s motor – and cognitive – development.

Other trends in today’s society having an impact on infants’ opportunities to move are the inclination to restrict, rather than encourage, freedom of movement and the misguided belief that early academic instruction will result in superbabies.

Humans are meant to move and play. The inclination – the need – is hardwired into them. Babies, in fact, spend nearly half of their waking time – 40% – doing things like kicking, bouncing, and waving their arms. And while it may appear all this activity is just for the sake of moving, it’s important to realize a baby is never “just moving” or “just playing.” Every action extends the child’s development in some way.

Rae Pica is a children’s physical activity specialist and author of Your Active Child: How to Boost Physical, Emotional, and Cognitive Development through Age-Appropriate Activity. Visit her and read more articles at http://www.movingandlearning.com.

Continue reading “Infants Need To Move To Stay Well And Healthy” »

Vegetables add colour, taste, texture and bulk to our daily diet. There are dozens of different vegetables that can be prepared in literally hundreds of ways. So what’s best?

There is no best. The thing to do is to eat your vegetables, lots of them, everyday in a wide variety of ways and stop worrying about the preparation methods. Variety is the key…

Raw

Many vegetables taste fabulous just the way they are straight out of the garden. Lettuce, tomato, celery, cabbage, onion, radish, carrot are obvious choices here. But they are just as likely to find themselves next to chopped up broccoli, cauliflower, peas, beans and zucchini on a starter platter with dips. Wash ‘em, chop ‘em and eat ‘em. Oh, yeah, you could also make a salad!

Steamed

Steaming heats the vegetable and softens it’s texture. It’s gentler than boiling and allows the vegetable to maintain it’s colour if not overdone. Use a stainless steel steamer that will fit into most good size sauce pans. Make sure you use a pan with a tight fitting lid. There should be enough water to just touch the bottom of the steamer. Water should be simmering the whole time the vegetables are being cooked.

Boiling

Boiling vegetables is really going out of fashion, but it’s a legitimate preparation method! The big concern is loss of nutrients. All cooking methods result in the loss of some goodness from the vegetables. If boiling, try to find a way to use the water the vegetables have been boiled in (i.e. to make a gravy or sauce) to bring those nutrients back to the table. Vegetables should be barely covered with water. Bring the water to a boil (covered) then slow to a simmer until vegetables are tender.

Microwave

Very popular for vegetables as it retains colour, flavour and nutrients. Trial and error will be your guide with microwaving as there are plenty of variables involved. However, a few guidelines will help…The more food you put into the oven, the longer it will take to cook. Underestimate your cooking time rather than overestimate. Undercooked food can be cooked some more. Over-cooked food is ruined. Food straight from the fridge will take longer to cook than that at room temperature. All food continues to cook after it has been removed from the microwave oven. It is part of the cooking process and should be taken into account to prevent over-cooking.

Stir Fry

Very rapid method of quick frying vegetables, meat (optional) and sauces in one pan to make a meal. Primarily associated with Asian cooking. The key to doing this well is preparation. All items to be cooked should be chopped to a size that will allow them to cook quickly in the wok. It is also important that the wok is heated to a high, consistent temperature throughout. Vegetables maintain their colour and crispness with this sort of cooking (if not overdone).

Baking

Brilliant! Especially for those ‘root’ vegetables like potatoes, turnip, carrot and beetroot. Chop into similar size pieces, brush lightly with olive oil and put in a hot oven to roast. Size of the pieces will determine the cooking time but expect at least 40 minutes. Outside is chewy, inside is moist and fluffy. Dress with sour cream and chives. Yum!

Barbeque

Does anything scream summer like the word barbeque? Love a barbeque. This is primarily open flame cooking, so could apply to a campfire as well. Cooking outside just changes everything about food. You’ll need foil, fire and fresh veggies. Grease your foil, chop your veggies and put the closed packages on the grill. Be adventurous, it’s really hard to mess this up!

Continue reading “Simple Tips For Cooking Vegetables” »

“It is easy enough to be friendly to one’s friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business.” - Gandhi

Whether you’re Christian or not, there’s something in the teachings of Jesus that is worth contemplation, for anyone who seeks to be a better person: his urging that we love our enemies.

Not just “Love Thy Neighbor”, which in itself can be a difficult thing.

But “Love your enemies”. That’s a powerful message, and it turns out, one of the greatest challenges in life.

Why is this message an important one, even if you’re not a Christian? I’m not here to discuss Christian teachings, but to address universal problems found in every human being, no matter what your religion or non-religion. And this is a universal problem: the hatred we feel for other people, hatred that wells up inside of us and causes destructive actions, for people who might have harmed us in some way but in the end are fellow human beings who we must live with in a common society.

And it’s an idea that was taught not only by Christ, but by Buddha, Gandhi, and many other great people and religions.

This still might sound a bit grand or preachy, so let me bring this down to an everyday level: is there anyone in your life who you hate or just can’t stand? Maybe someone who just irritates you to no end, who you resent and feel bitterness towards? And if so, are you proud of that? Does it make you happy?

I’d submit that most of us have someone like that, in many cases multiple people in our lives who cause us anger or hatred or at least resentment, for something they’ve done in the past. I’d also submit that the anger, hatred and resentment that lives within us is destructive and counterproductive.

Let’s explore these ideas a little more, if you’re interested.

What Does “Love Your Enemy” Mean?
Well, it’s probably pretty self-explanatory, but I thought it would be good to be clear.

“Your enemy” doesn’t just mean the enemy of your state, of course. We’re not talking about terrorists or the French (kidding!) … we’re talking about people you really dislike, in any way.

Who are these people? Maybe someone who has picked on you or called you names or disrespected you in some way, causing you anger … maybe you hold a grudge against them. Maybe a family member you’ve had a big fight with … maybe you’ve been angry at them for some time. Maybe someone who did something horrible to a loved one, from physically hurting them to hitting them with a car to scarring them from a damaging relationship. Maybe a teacher or a coworker or a boss who is mean to you. You get the picture.

And what does it mean to love these people? Obviously it’s non-romantic love, but there’s lots of different kinds of non-romantic love. There’s the love you have for your children, your siblings, your parents, your best friends … all of these are different in some way. Then there’s the love you have for someone who just did something wonderful for you, whether that’s someone you know or a complete stranger. There’s the love for a child you’ve never met but who somehow pulls at your heartstrings. There’s the love for your fellow human beings — and this is the love I mean.

Have you ever felt non-sexual, non-romantic love for another person who is not a family member or a very close friend? Maybe they did something really nice for you or another person. Maybe you are just feeling really great about humanity right now, for whatever reason. Maybe this is an incredible human being who inspires you or changes lives or volunteers to help the powerless.

To “Love Your Enemy” is to find it in your heart to put aside any wrongs, and to love them as a fellow human being. You don’t have to love them like you love your parents or children or best friend. Just have loving feelings toward them … and if possible, express it through words, or by doing something nice, or with a smile.

It’s not easy, I know. Picture the person you dislike most, and see if it’s easy to find that love for them.

Imagine someone who murdered someone you love. That would certainly be an “enemy”. Could you find it in your heart to love that person? I know that would be the most difficult thing in my entire life … which brings up the question: “Why should I?”

“The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.” - Mother Teresa

Why Should I Love My Enemy?
It might sound too corny for many of you, and if so, you might not even be reading this by now. That’s OK. This idea might not be for everyone.

After all, this person, my “enemy”, has done something horribly wrong to me … why on earth would I want to love them? What do I get out of it?

This isn’t an easy question, and I won’t be able to explore all the possible answers — that would take a book. But let’s look briefly at a few strong reasons:

• You’ll be happier. If you have anger or resentment inside of you, even if you don’t think about it all the time, there will be times when it surfaces. And that makes you unhappy. It’s destructive, inwardly (it eats you up) and outwardly (you might do destructive things to others). That anger also affects others around you, such as your loved ones, who are most likely affected in some way when you are angry — even if the anger isn’t directed at them. Removing this anger from yourself is a positive thing, and it will make you happier overall.
• You could change that person’s life. Your enemy is a human being, and it’s very possible that your hatred of that person is a source of grief, tension, or hatred in them. Now, that might feel good to you in a vindictive way, but if you look at it objectively, removing your feelings from the situation … hurting another person is always a bad thing. Making them happier is a good thing. And interestingly, making someone happier, no matter who that is, can make us happier.
• You could make a friend. One of the most powerful effects of learning to love your enemy is that your enemy can become your friend. And while it is counterproductive to be fighting with an enemy (it hinders your progress), it is very productive to add new friends to your life — they can help you accomplish things, for example. A new friend, instead of an enemy, makes an incredible difference. And if that enemy is a family member or former friend, reuniting can be extremely powerful and important.
• You set a better example for others. Our actions set an example for other people in our lives. If you have children, for example, they learn from anything you do. Teaching them to hate is not a positive example. But teaching them to overcome that anger and hate, to make up with an enemy, and to love … there is no better example in life.
• It’s better for society. This one seems obvious to me, but it’s important. One little relationship might not seem to make a difference to society as a whole — who cares if I hate another person? But if we all hate other people, it creates a more divisive and fractured and angry society. I see the effects of this everywhere, from media and culture to politics to business to families being disrupted. And the opposite is true — if we can overcome that hatred, and learn to love our neighbor and our enemy, society is better of in so many ways.
• It’s a test of you as a person. This might not be important to many people, but for me it is. I like to think of myself as a good person, but how good am I if I am just loving to my family and friends? That’s extremely easy (usually). But a better test of your goodness is if you can overcome feelings of hatred or resentment, and turn them into feelings of love. That’s a true challenge. And it’s a life-long challenge.

“Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.” - Martin Luther King Jr.

10 Tips For Loving Your Enemy
So let’s say you think it’s a worthy goal … how do you actually go about it? I can’t claim to know all the answers. I’ve been working on this myself, and exploring these ideas in my life … but I have not overcome this challenge. I’ve made progress, and I’m proud of that … but I have a long way to go.

However, here are some things I’m working on myself … I hope they can be of some use to you:

1. Stop, breathe, detach yourself. When you think about your “enemy”, you most likely have feelings of anger or something along those lines. Instead of letting those feelings overcome you and determine your actions, stop yourself. Be aware of the feelings. Take a deep breath (or ten) and take a step back. Now see if you can detach yourself. Imagine yourself floating out of your body and looking down on the situation as an objective observer. You are no longer you. This person has no longer done anything to you or someone you love … they’ve done it to someone else. Seeing the situation objectively is the first step — it’s too difficult to overcome the feelings if you’re in the middle of the situation.
2. Put yourself in their shoes. Now that you’ve removed yourself from the situation, and you’re looking down on it from above … try going down into the other person’s body and head. Imagine yourself becoming that person. What is that person like, from inside? How did they get to be the person they are? What have they gone through? Why would they possibly have done what they did? And how did they feel about it? You’ll have to use your imagination. But try to imagine this person as a real human being, not just someone who is evil or wrong. All human beings try to do good things, but they make mistakes, or they have different perspectives. Seeing the situation from the other person’s perspective is very difficult, but very important.
3. Seek to understand. That, of course, is the objective of putting yourself in their shoes. But it’s important to stress it here, because if you can understand what they did and why they did it, you can take the next steps (below). Really try to understand, even if you don’t want to.
4. Seek to accept. Instead of fighting what has happened and who this person is, and wanting them to be different or to do things differently … accept them for who they are. Accept what has happened as a part of life. Accept that things can’t be different, because they have already happened. Accept that this person can’t be different, because that’s who they are. This, too, is a very difficult step, but if we cannot accept, we cannot love.
5. Forgive, and let the past go. Ah, maybe the most difficult step of all, but I’m sure you saw this coming. Can you truly forgive this person for what they’ve done, in your heart? If you’ve detached yourself, you’ve sought to understand, and you’ve accepted them and what has happened … it should be easier. Try to think about this: what happened is in the past. It cannot be changed. You can either hate what’s happened in the past, and change nothing but be angry … or you can accept it and move on. Let it go. It will do nothing but eat you up. Once you’ve let go of the past … let go of your feelings about what this person has done. Move on. Those feelings can do you no good.
6. Find something to love. If you can forgive, and release those bad feelings … you are left with neutrality, most likely. You want to replace that with love. And how do you do this? You find something in that person to love. It could be anything … their smile, their willingness to help someone, their generosity, their stubbornness even. Find something admirable or lovable. There’s something like that in everyone. You might have to get to know that person better, which in itself can be difficult.
7. See them as yourself, or a loved one. If the above step proves too difficult, it is probably because you don’t know that person well enough. Instead, project yourself into them. See them as similar to yourself in some ways. Or think of them as similar in some way to a loved one — and use those similarities to find something to love.
8. Find common ground. We have things in common with just about everyone, if we look hard enough. That might be common interests, shared or common experiences while growing up or working, people you know or love in common, personality traits in common. This common ground will help you relate to the person better.
9. Open your heart. Another very difficult step. Our hearts tend to remain closed to most people, as a defensive mechanism. We are afraid of being vulnerable, of getting rejected or hurt. And yet, this closing off of our hearts is what blocks us from happiness many times, what blocks us from forming relationships, what blocks us from loving and finding love. Even if we’re able to open our hearts to our loved ones but no one else … that’s limiting ourselves. This is a great challenge, and something that really can only happen with practice. Try it here, with your former enemy … even if you can just open your heart a little, that’s the only way you’ll find love for the person.
10. Reach out to them. It’s one thing to feel love for the person … but quite another to express it in some way. There are many ways to express love, of course — some ways you might consider are telling them, saying nice things to them, having an open discussion about what’s happened or your feelings, giving them a hug, doing something nice for them, smiling, making a joke.

What are your thoughts on this? Have you ever overcome this challenge? Share tips and thoughts in the comments.

“Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?” - Abraham Lincoln

This is a guest post from Zen Habits.

Continue reading “10 Tips for Life’s Greatest Challenge: Love Thy Enemy” »